


Why don't we go somewhere only we know?

by WolfDogstar



Series: The Lost Generation-Love,Life and Loss. [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Drunk Remus Lupin, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, Lie Low At Lupin's, M/M, Masturbation in Bathroom, Men Crying, Mention of Child Abuse, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Panic Attacks, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus comforts Sirius, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black having nightmares, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: Set after GoF. Sirius has to stay with Remus for a while but twelve years apart can leave pretty deep and ugly wounds. Both try to salvage a relationship that once resembled love but life and reality keeps getting in their way.Can be read as stand-alone one shot.





	Why don't we go somewhere only we know?

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything.

The dry leaves crunch under his light footsteps as he makes his way to the small cottage at the edge of the hill. He is spent. His legs are cramping and his feet are blistered. He hasn't found clean water in over a day and was so focused on getting home to Remus, that he barely thought about it at all. But it's catching up to him now. He can barely walk upright, his vision is blurly and the dawning of dusk helped little. His only thoughts are focused on reaching the golden ball of light throbbing against the dark green background of hills farther away.

  _Remus is there. It will be warm and Remus will be there._

 

 

Tendrils of relief wind themselves around his veins as he sees a silhouette block the light. The blurry edges give away too the solid frame of Remus Lupin as he approaches him. 

_Remus._

Sirius sighs and his legs buckle and tangle under making him trip but Remus catches him just in time." Padfoot."

Physical touch had eluded him for so long that even in his clouded mind he can feel his nerves aching, craving for just a little more. _A little more of Remus._

"Breathe Sirius." Remus's worried eyes materialise in front of him. " Breathe. You're not breathing."

Sirius loves those green eyes and doesn't want them to furrow out of worry. Remus always worries too much. Even when they were pulling pranks at school. Those green eyes are pleading with him to just breathe.

_But why?_

_He is breathing, isn't he?_

_Remus is air and oxygen to him. He is right here in Remus's arms. How could he not be breathing?_

" Please Sirius breathe. Damn you. Breathe." Remus says again, panicked this time, his eyes brimming with tears.

_No. No. Don't cry. I never wanted to make you cry. I'm sorry._ Sirius tries to say and realises that he has no air and suddenly feels his lungs pressing down. He forces himself to push air down his throat but everything seems solid. Air isn't supposed to be solid. He coughs but it's too much of an effort and he can feel himself drift off. His head rolls to the side and all he can see is the darkening sky and tree tops, upside down. Then there's Remus. He doesn't know where he feels Remus but he's all around him and then by some miracle, air rushes to his lungs, blood flows to his extremities and he can hear the frantic thumping of his heart in his ear drowning out the ringing silence deafening him.

It is then that he hears Remus, clearly, calling his name.

" Sirius, can you hear me?" Remus's face appears in front of him again solid against the sky.

Sirius tries to nod but doesn't know if he can. Instead he settles for blinking a few times. That seems to do the trick. Remus sighs out of relief and pulls Sirius in into him.

Sirius can smell Remus, feel his heart beating frantically in his chest and it given him something to hold on to. He clutches onto him as tightly as his boney fingers allow him and just breaths him in. It is intoxicating, an ancient drug, dug up from the depths of time. His muscles relax and heart beats normally, in rhythm.  Eventually he becomes aware of his surroundings. He feels Remus rocking back and forth gently, holding him, whispering things Sirius cannot pick up.

He tries pulling away to look at Remus better.

" Feel better?" Remus's tired voice asks him.

 

 

 

" Yes." He croaks out.

" Can you get up? You have to help me carry you."

Sirius nods. 

Remus pulls Sirius up along with him and both men trudge towards the cottage.

Once inside, Remus helps Sirius to a couch and covers him in no less than three layers of blankets. He closes shut all the windows, lights up a fire and applies heating charm all over the room. He is sweating in the end but Sirius looks a little comfortable. He flops down beside him and means to pull him in his arms when Sirius protests.

" Don't." He croaks. " I'm filthy. Don't."

And Remus's heart breaks." I don't care right now." Remus says earnestly, taking Sirius's hand in his own.

" I know. But I do. I'm sorry." The last thing Sirius wants is to pass on his grim onto Remus.

"No..no. Don't apologize. It's okay." Remus doesn't want to make Sirius uncomfortable. Anything Sirius wants, he'll give him.

 " Can you give me a little water?" Sirius asks as Remus mentally kicks himself.

  _Water. Damn it. How could he have forgotten something as basic as water?_ " Yes. Of course...I'll...go."

 Remus returns within a minute to see Sirius's eyes strained faraway. He's as still as a statue. It un-nerves him and suddenly the image of Sirius sitting in on his bed with gold and red curtains, an open envelop in front of him came to Remus's mind.

_Sirius sat silently reading a letter over and over-Remus could tell by how Sirius's eyes went over the same line. "It's from my mother." Sirius had said silently._

_"Why are you reading it so many times?" Remus had asked._

_Sirius shrugged and handed Remus the letter without hesitation._

_Remus hesitated though. He really didn't want to read the horrible things that he knew the letter contained. He hadn't known that parents could be so mean to their children. He was a werewolf and his family went through bad days too but his parents loved him despite the excess efforts they had to make for him. Sirius's parents were however a different story._

_"Go on." Sirius said still offering him the parchment._

_Remus took the expensive piece of parchment and looked at the words. The hand writing was neat and elegant, written in expensive ink- Handwritings and ink such as these should be used to write poetry, Remus believed. But Sirius received curses bounded in wrappers of love._

_"I think that if I read it enough number of times, they'll hurt less but it..." Sirius swallowed uncomfortably. "..doesn't.."_

"Water?" Remus jumps at Sirius's voice.

" Hey..here you go." Remus whispers embarrassed.

 

 

 

 " Sorry." Sirius says sheepishly sensing Remus's discomfort. He's making a mess of himself but he doesn't think he cares. It's Mooney. The only person, alive who knows him. Everything about him. After everything that's perspired between them why should he be embarrassed?

Remus wants to look at Sirius for the rest of his life. Sirius looks no better than what he did last time at the shack but now that he's been free of Azkaban for two years, he looks less haunted or so Remus wants to think. He has loved this man beyond anything he had ever imagined. How did he survive the past twelve years without him? Remus's anger flares at the universe for doing this to them, for pulling them apart so cruely, for letting him believe that the man he worshipped was a murderer for twelve years. He hates Dumbledor. He should have used his influence to at least try and give Sirius a trial. So much could have been avoided. So much pain could have been reversed.The final bout of hate he always reserves for himself. He should have tried harded. Hell of a lot harder.

" Mooney?" He zaps back to the present as his lost nickname rolls of Sirius's tongue, like the past twelve years just never happened, like he hadn't been on the other side of knowing that nobody would call him Mooney again. He was Mooney only to Sirius. "Don't cry please."

 He's surprized when Sirius reaches out and wipes away stray tears from his cheeks. " I'm sorry....I didn't mean to...." Remus flusters and rubs at his eyes. When was the last time he cried? It's he who should be comforting Sirius not the other way around. They sit in silence for a while, looking at each other, looking away. They both need to say so much but Sirius doesn't have the energy and Remus lacks the courage. _The wolf with a lambs heart._ Sirius used to say when he freaked out in school. The phantom shadows of dusk on their faces smoothens out lines resulting from years of pain, suffering and loneliness. 

" You need to eat something." Remus says, breaking the silence and tearing his eyes away from Sirius's hairline. How he would like to runs his fingers through them again! "It's getting late."

" I think I need a bath first." Sirius pulls up a strand of muddy hair in front to make his point.

" Okay. Can you get up?" Remus asks, shifting to the other end of the couch to give Sirius space.

Sirius moves slowly as he feels his muscles stretch uncomfortably. He needs to rest, wants to rest. His legs won't carry him one more pace, he knows. But he doesn't want to ruin Remus's couth. It'll take him extra effort to clean it up and the moon's only two days away. So he gets up but his blistered feet betrays him and he can't help but wince. Remus is by him the next moment, holding him up.

" I can't..my feet..." Sirius winces again and sits back down heavily and utterly defeated.

" Why didn't you tell me? This must be hurting really bad." Remus whispers as he inspects Sirius's blistered feet. " I can heal this."

" Mooney don't. It'll be okay." Sirius sighs.  " You don't have to...it's.... _my feet_." And Sirius doesn't want Remus tending to him after the man had been left to fend for himself every full moon for fourteen years. How can he let Remus do that? He'd promised he would never leave and then left, taken away the next month.

" You are unbelieveable." Remus says a little too forcefully." Sit tight. I'll be back."

Sirius sighs. There is no point in fighting. He is too tired. Mooney will win, he always wins. But he really doesn't want Remus touching and healing his feet. Remus deserves so much more than taking care of a broken ,sick, ghost of a man.

Remus returns with hot water and tons of cotton and portions. He sits down in front of Sirius and starts tending to his left feet first. Sirius hisses at the first contact of heat and antiseptic.

" Sorry. Have to get rid of the dirt. There are splinters embedded in your skin. How long have you been running as Padfoot?"

" Couple of days." Sirius likes the feeling of heat on his skin. It's comfortable and his eyes droop, his fatigue catching up to him.

Remus looks up to see that Sirius is having a hard time keeping his eyes open." Where's Buckbeak?"

" Dumbledore told...me...to...leave...hi..." Sirius's words trail off as he falls asleep.

Remus stares at him for a while, the rising and falling of his chest and gets back to taking care of his feet as his mind drifts off to a summer evening that seems to belong to a different lifetime.

* * *

 " _What the bloody hell were you doing?" Remus asks eyeing Sirius's blistered feet and palms._

" _He ran." James smirks as he flops down on his bed and Peter giggles much to Sirius's disappointment_

" _What..on your palms?" Remus asks incredulous._

_" We told him not to." Peter snorts. " But the great Sirius Black doesn't listen to anybody."_

_" Oi peter. It was fun." Sirius grumbles._

_" What the fuck am I missing?" Remus asks his friends._

_" You are surprizingly thick sometimes Remus. I ran as Padfoot." Remus didn't miss the sparkle in Sirius's eyes._

_" In the broad day light? What if someone saw you?" Remus asks terrified of the ramifications._

" _We were in the forbidden forest. No one saw us." James laughs. " It was really was fun"_

_Remus rolls his eyes and goes about fishing an emergency supply of medicines from his trunk that he always keeps at hand. His friends had only just completed their animagus transformations and were still discovering the perks of their hard work. Sirius was newly turned, his human anatomy not attuned to excess work capable of a dog, hence the blistered feet and palms._

_" Well, I've gotta go to Quidditch practice." James says and changes into his practice robes. " Coming Wormtail?"_

_" Yup."_

_Remus sits down on Sirius's bed as the others leave and looks for the worse of wounds to begin with.  "Idiot." He mutters under his breath._

_Sirius laughs. It sounds different and Remus looks up to see Sirius glowing._

_" You look surprizingly happy for someone who had blisters all over his palms."_

_Sirius laughes again. " It was awesome Mooney. Awesome. I could hear everything in the forest. Every creature...cricket..and butterfly..and then the lake and the water. The clouds and the thunder..I could smell the ozone in the air. It's like being a different..somebody.. I felt closer to everything. Even you.It was mesmerizing. Addictive. And I have never felt this free my entire life."_

_Remus can't take his eyes off Sirius. There's a smile on his face that Remus seldome sees. He looks happy. Really happy and that is saying something._

_" That's really good." Remus says as he starts cleaning up the cuts. " You look happy."_

_" I am." Sirius says and sighs. " And I love you and that makes me happy too. We did it Remus....Awww..That hurts."_

_" Sorry." Remus blushes." It'll sting a little. I have to clean it before I heal it."_

_" It's okay. I 'm so happy right now that it won't hurt. And you really are the most gentle person in the world." Sirius winks and bits his lower lip sending Remus into a frenzy._

_After Remus cleans the cuts through Sirius's incessant flirting, they cuddle and fall asleep together._

* * *

Remus snaps out of his thoughts when Sirius whimpers, mumbling apologies to peopel he's dreamimg of.

" Shh..Sirius wake up. It's just a dream. Wake up." Remus sits beside him and holds him as he starts convulsing, watching the arc of his throat work up with every uncomfortable breath.Sirius wakes up with a start and immediately fights to escape Remus's arms." No..Sirius...shuss...it's okay. I'm here. I'm right here. It's me. Mooney. You'r safe."

 Sirius looks around him frantically and tries to remind himself of where he is-out of Azkaban,Remus's palce,Remus's arms. When he calms down he leans heavily against the strong shoulders supporting him.

" I'm sorry." He chocks.

 " No...it's fine. Everything's okay. You're okay." Remus kisses the top of Sirius's head reassuringly. " Your feet are fine now. You can go off to sleep again. I'm right here."

 " I really should take the bath." Sirius whispers and pulls away from Remus as he remembers he hasn't taken a dip in a clean water body in over a week.

 " You don't have to do it for me. I don't care how filthy you are right now....I don't..."

But he's cut off by Sirius," It's for me. Not you. I want to touch you without thinking how filthy I am."

" Okay." Remus finally says. " I'll heat the water up."

When Remus brings Sirius a pair of pyjamas and tee shirt, Sirius stands at the bathroom door looking at them with uncertainty. The sleeves are too short. His scars will show.

" Something wrong ?" Remus asks tenderly.

Sirius hesitates for a while before he clears his throat and says," Could you get me something longer...more covering than a tee I mean?"

Remus needs a beat to understand what Sirius is saying, why he is saying it." Yeah sure."He looks away to hide his realization and Sirius feels uncomfortable. When Remus brings back  a full shirt, he's still standing at the door.

" There you go." Remus says, handing him his shirt.

They stand at the door for a while looking at each other. Remus doesn't want to leave Sirius alone behind a closed door and Sirius doesn't want Remus to see him naked and vulnerable.

" Please don't come in." Sirius whispers afraid he would disappoint Remus. Things used to be easy. So much more easy.

" Don't lock the door. I won't come in I promise." Remus understands that Sirius needs space. Twelve years all alone would leave anyone feeling awkward around people. Even people who were in love.

Remus slides down against the opposite wall as Sirius pushed the door close and wonders about their disposition. He loves Sirius and there's not a shred of doubt in his mind that Sirius loves him back even if they are incapable of showing it the same way they remember. Remus's stomach is left in tight knots when he thinks back to Sirius asking him for longer clothes. When they shared an appartment after Hogwarts, Sirius used to walk around the room, naked, just to see Remus fluster at the sight of him. He used to laugh at how Remus was unable to tear his eyes away even though he turned as red as a tomato. Sirius enjoyed it and now he's afraid to expose even his arms. Nothing could make Sirius less beautiful. He didn't care if Sirius was only bones and skin and malnourished. He would make sure that Sirius knows he's loved and cherished while giving him all the space he needs. He also has to make dinner. He makes up a mental note of all he has and realises he only has enough to make chicken soup and there is bread and vegetable. It will be enough for a  descent meal. He doesn't want to leave Sirius alone and so waits till Sirius comes out, hair dripping with water, clothed in Remus's over sized clothes that hang loosely from bones jutting out of his now lanky frame.

" You were here all this time?" Sirius asks unsure about whether he feels glad or awkward at the display of concern and affection.

Now that Sirius is bathed and  cleaned, Remus sees how pale he really is, how hollow and sunken his eyes are. His face retains some of it's former grace only because of the scruffy beard and waist length long hair that he has now tied up in a wet messy bun.

" Yeah!" Remus takes the towel from Sirius's hand. "May I?" He asks.

It takes Sirius a while to realize what Remus is asking and he agrees reluctantly. But when Remus lets his hair fall open and rubs at it with the towel, he realizes he's breathing and alive as tingling warmth rolls in his bloodstream. He feels his facial muscles move and from the way Remus beams at him, he's sure he's smiling, the feeling alien but reassuring.

 

 

" It still tickles." He giggles as Remus rubs the sensitive skin behind his ears. _Still._ Sirius wonders at his own words. Somewhere deep his mind remembers that it tickled before...

Remus smiles widely too. " Come on. I have to make us dinner."

As Sirius sits on the couch and looks through an old newspaper, Remus sets about making dinner. He keeps the sound to a minimum so that Sirius doesn't jump out of his skin at every unexpected noise. They speak of Harry and how horribly the last year turned out.

" He's back, Remus." Sirius sighs and puts down the paper he has been sifting through. " He's back and we're right where we started fifteen years ago. It's the same fucking game... just new players."

Remus keeps quite. He isn't sure he can speak through the lump that has suddenly lodged in his throat. It's just that Sirius talking about the war makes his heart clench painfully. His eyes swim with tears and he accidentally burns his hand on the hot pan.

" Damn it." He thrusts his hand under the tap water running on the sink. In an instant Sirius is beside him, fretting over him.

 " I'm fine. It's nothing." Remus assures him as Sirius carefully examines his hand and looks worriedly at the pale skin that has taken an alarming shade of red. But all Remus can think is how Sirius's cold fingers feel on his hot skin. He swears that Sirius's touch alone could heal him.

"Apply some meds on this, Mooney. This emergency kit must have something." Sirius drops his hand and looks through various creams and portions.

"ah-the white one." Remus says as he lets his hand go limp by his side.As Sirius finds the cream and his hands, he sets about applying it on the burnt skin, Remus wonders about how he wouldn't have cared about himself yesterday. He would've shrugged it aside and went on about whatever he was doing but today, here Sirius is, like that past twelve years never happened, like nothing's changed.

 " You need to stop crying, Remus." Sirius says gently, still holding Remus's hand in his. " We both need to stop crying."

Remus wipes the tears rolling down his cheeks and leans against the counter. " I'm supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around. And I'm making a mess of myself."

" It goes both ways. It always has, always should." Sirius says. His heart breaks at the sight of how Remus's chest heaves in an attempt of cage his emotions as he looks away. Sirius sees the slender line of his neck and the stubble that formed circular patterns down Remus's throat. He wants to plant butterfly kisses along the skin against his pulse and shiver as the rough facial hairs tickle his lips. His mouth suddenly feel dry but there are fat tears rolling down Remus's jaws and that's more important now." Let it go,Remus." Sirius says and gently places his hand on Remus chest, feeling the erratic hammering of his heart.

At that contact, all the walls that Remus had so carefully built up over the past decade comes crashing down and he feels his dead heart start beating again. He cries like a baby  when Sirius takes him in his arms and they both collapses on the floor.

" I'm so sorry , Mooney. So sorry." Sirius croaks because he knows that it's not just because of the new war. Remus is crying because the last one took away everything from him and majority of the blow was delivered by Sirius himself. His foolish decisions cost them everything.

" I was so alone and I missed you so much. I should've tried harder. Something...anything.." Remus says in between hiccups because, of course, he always blames himself. 

 " There was nothing you could have done." Sirius says as he caresses Remus's hair. " They had to blame someone and I was the easiest person to blame. People thought they saw me blowing up a street..."

" Stop..please stop." Remus begs, holding Sirius tighter. " It hurts to even think...of what happened..and....could have been..."

" But we're here, Mooney. Now. Isn't that a miracle?" Sirius whispers, unsure if Remus would even consider the possibility of wanting to be with him _like that_ again. Not that he deserves it after everything he's done.

 " I love you, Sirius." Remus whispers, his face still buried in Sirius's shoulder but he doesn't miss the hitch in Sirius's breath or how his heart beat a little too wildly against his paper thin skin.

 " How can you?" Sirius croaks. " I thought you were...."

 " I know." Remus whispers. " And I forgive you."

 Sirius says nothing. There's nothing he can say that'll ever justify in his head what he did. But Remus with his infinite capacity for love and forgiveness can. What had Sirius ever done to deserve him? Remus says it again. " I love you. I don't care if you thought I was the traitor. We were in a war. You did what you had to do to protect the ones you loved. I can't...never will.. blame you for trying to protect James and Lily and Harry."

 At Sirius's un-nerving silence, Remus pulls away to look at a gaunt, pale face. He can't remember seeing Sirius's eyes so blood shot, ever.

" James and Lily weren't the only ones I loved...I loved you too. I love you." Sirius says tears running down his face as he sees Remus's eyes mirror his own pain. " And I betrayed you. I hurt you. I missed over one-hunderd and seventy full moons. You were all alone."

 " No..No Sirius listen," Remus says wiping Sirius's tears and cupping his face." There's nothing we can do. Okay? But we're here now. And you are right. We need to stop crying. It's a miracle we're still here. So let's be here. Okay?"

Sirius nods his head in reply. " Okay." He would agree to anything for Remus.

" Okay. Let's get dinner. You need to eat." Remus says,getting up and wincing in the process.

" You okay?"Sirius asks, concerned.

" Yeah..just the full moon...it's in..."

 "Two days. Yeah. I know." Sirius finishes for him and looks worried.

" Let's just eat. We can worry about that later." Remus goes back to making their meagre meal.

Thunder roars and they finish off their dinner in comfortable silence.

" Looks like it's going to rain." Remus says but Sirius is busy making himself very small on the couch. The sharp cracking of thunder makes him shiver as his mind snaps back to Azkaban- the deafening roar of thunder echoing through the small cells, the insane shrill cry of the inmates piercing the frigid air, always getting worse during a thunder storm. He used to locate patterns as lightening cast strange shadows on his rain drenched, mossy, cell wall. He'd more than once seem a stag and a wolf, whether it was just his imagination, he couldn't say. 

 " You okay?" Remus walks over to him deciding to take care of the dishes tomorrow.

" Yeah it's just the rain and thunder..." Sirius says shivering. " It's only this in...Azkaban.."

Remus puts two more logs in the fireplace before applying heating charms all over the room and makes sure all the doors and windows are bolted tightly so that they do not rattle with the wind. When he is satisfied with his job, he sits down beside Sirius who looks much more relaxed now that the they are secluded from the storm.

" Are you comfortable? Need something?" Remus asks as he slips his feet under a blanket. His left foot finds Sirius's right. He goes a little rigid but Sirius is nonplussed and Remus decides that this is okay. This is good.

" Mother hen." Sirius grins. " I'm good."

Remus sighs contently as he relaxes.

" You know, Harry is so much like James...seeing him at Privet Drive after I escaped...it was like seeing a ghost. A good ghost." Sirius says fondly and Remus sees that he isn't hurt by the memory. There's no darkness in his eyes. He's just happy to talk about his godson and Remus rolls with him.

 

 

"When Nevill's boggart turned out to be Severus, it felt really good to turn that into a woman with a red handbag and vulture hat..." Remus laughs.

"Yeah! I know about that." Sirius laughs along.

 " You do? How?" Remus looks at Sirius's grey eyes sparkling mischievously.  

 " I was walking around as Padfoot. I picked up things." Sirius said somewhat proud of himself. " And that awfully ugly cat was very intelligent." 

 Remus laughs. He should have known. Typically Sirius." Harry was standing behind me and for a moment I thought he was James and it was like being back as a student, with you lot pranking Snape and.. You just..It was good. The similarities are uncanny." Remus sighs tiredly as he realizes that Sirius has gone back to the dark place in his mind. He looks haunted as he stares into the fire.

 " Why do you still love me, Mooney?" Sirius asks looking at Remus intently.

Remus takes Sirius's hand in his own and tries to say things, things he doesn't know how to put to words. He traces the veins running through the upper side of his palm.

" Please Mooney." Sirius looks so lost and hurt, that Remus wonders how he can even being to try to heal him.

 " Sirius..you accepted me." Remus says very hesitant.

" We all did. Even..Wor....the rat.."

" No Sirius..you don't understand...you _accepted_ me. You _loved_ me like I never thought anyone would...." Remus watches his fingers trace circles on Sirius's palm.

 " But I also gave your secret away." Sirius says barely a whisper and Remus tries not to stiffen at that. The incident of the Shrieking Shack still sent shivers down his spines. The 'what if's' were too much for him to take.

 " It's all in the past." Remus says looking at him but Sirius sighs and withdraws his hand so suddenly that Remus flinches.

  Sirius draws his knees close to his chest and buries his face inside . Remus is scared at how still Sirius remains. He can easily pass as a statue save the rising and falling of his shoulders with every breath.He wants nothing more than to take Sirius in his arms and wash away all the pain. But there's a chasm so huge, Remus can't bridge it.

" Sirius, I've seen you outrun your family since I can remember. And most often than not you've succeeded. You've done better than what you were taught . Sometimes things get out of hand. Some battles can't be won. Sometime people fall and give into the darkness. That's what had happened. You were tired of fighting. I failed too didn't I? I've hurt you too. Mooney had hurt you. You have scars that are there because of me. And you forgave me. You loved me. You were always there the next day to tell me that you loved me. So how can I not love you?"

Remus waits for Sirius to say something. Anything. To just move for Merlin's sake.

Eventually Sirius looks up and wipes his tears off his face." That's not what I saw in Azkaban." He simply says and Remus knows that dementors can twist bad memories into horrible, heinous images. That's all-he just knows. He can do nothing about it and that makes him restless. So when Sirius doesn't elaborate further, all he says is," But that didn't happen. Whatever you saw did not happen."

 " I know." Sirius sniffs and stretches his legs, relaxing into the couch again."But I lived with that for twelve years."Remus wants to cry and scream till something in the world fixes itself because he's incapable of fixing this. He would take ten transformations in a row if that would ease this pain that has coagulated in over a decade.Sirius wriggles his fingers on the blanket, searching for Remus's hand. Remus takes it and kisses his knuckles one by one but stops when Sirius groans.

 " Sirius..."

Sirius grips his abdomen and bends over groaning again.

" Sirius..what...?" Remus scoots closer to him, running his hand over Sirius's back.

" It's..nothing..." Sirius groans again, hoping that his sudden nausea would go away.

" It's not nothing." Remus pulls back his hair and feels his forehead for temperature but that touch... _oh that touch!_

 " Too much food..." He gasps out breathless from both the tightness of his stomach and Remus's touch.

 Remus pulls Sirius close to himself and Sirius goes willingly, curling into him. " You should stay away. I might thrown up." He says none the less, trying to keep his food down.

 " You wanna go to the bathroom?" Remus asks .

But Sirius has his eyes squeezed shut with a palm over his mouth.Suddenly he jerks away from him and barely makes it to the kitchen sink before heaving up his dinner. He doesn't have the energy to stand but Remus catches him and helps him as he collapses on the floor.He looks like he'll throw up again and Remus holds a bowl in front of him as he heaves again.

 " Breath." Remus says as Sirius sways even though he's sitting and retches.

 " Sorry." Sirius says in between erratic gulps of air."I'm making a mess."

 " Ssshhh...It's okay." Remus pulls back Sirius's hair and holds him ."There's nothing in your stomach." He says as Sirius retches again.

 Eventually he allowes Remus to carry him over to the couch.

 " The bed..." Remus asks but Sirius disagrees. " It's warm here."

" Okay."

 " You are really warm." Sirius says curling into Remus and falls asleep with his head on Remus's lap.

* * *

 The first thing Sirius notices when he wakes up is that he slept. _Really slept_. Without nightmares, without hallucinations, without screaming. He blinks quite a number of times to be sure that he's awake and not in some dream that might turn into a nightmare any second.

 " Good Morning." Sirius turns to see Remus's smiling face.

 " Hey!" He says groggily. His mind isn't clear enough to understand why Remus's face is hovering above him.

" Sleep well?" Remus stifles an yawn.

 " The best." Sirius says as he thinks why Remus looks so tired. " What about you?"

 " On and off." Remus winces as Sirius turns to look at him and realizes he has his head on Remus's lap.

 "Did you stay awake the entire time? I fell asleep like this?" Sirius asks as he gets up in a hurry and puts an considerable amount of distance between him and Remus.

 " Padfoot...I'm fine." Remus says as he stretches his legs but as he grunts in pain Sirius realizes what he's done.

 " Fuck...fuck...Why didn't you wake me....?" Sirius stands, unsure of what he can do to reverse the damage he has caused.

 " You looked too peaceful." Remus's smile is crooked from fatigue and he silds down the couch and hangs his head back with huge effort.

 " Fuck you." Sirius says guiltily. Remus shouldn't pay the price for his dreamless sleep. " Let's take you to bed."

 Remus disagrees . " I don't think I can...move..right now."

 " Lie down then." Sirius commands as he goes about the kitchen searching for things. He really didn't know what he was looking for but guessed that he'll know it when he sees it.

 " What?" Remus asks in a haze. He's too tired to move.

 " Just lie down. It took me a while to remember what to do." Sirius heats up a bowl of water on the stove. This is so inconvenient. He has to get a wand. He carries it over along with a towel.

 " Lie down you git." Sirius says as he settles on the floor near the couch.

 Remus winces at every movement and Sirius's guilt magnifies at having caused this. Sitting throughout the night, with his joints locked in the same position so close to the full moon took it's toll on Remus. He could barely sit in the same position through one full period in class and now he had done that for an entire night and all for him.

 Finally Remus manages to lie down.

 " So this might sting a little, okay?" Sirius knew it was an understatement. For Remus's sensitive skin, just before a full moon, it would burn. Sirius pulls Remus's pyjamas well above his knees, heats the towel up from the vapours of the hot water and places it on Remus's knees.

 Remus whimpers at the first contact and his muscles contract, trying to get away from the pain but he is too tired to put up a fight.

 " Fifth year.. when I ran away and went to James's , all beaten and dehydrated...I had had no food or water for almost three days. My entire body was on fire, my muscles wouldn't stop cramping. This is what mum did. I'm sorry okay? Just give it some time." Sirius babbles and touches Remus as little as possible for fear of causing more pain.

Remus tries to manage a smile but it comes out as more of a grimace.

 Sirius proceeds from his knees to the ankles and then asks Remus to flex his joints.

 " I..can't." Remus says, barely a whisper.

 " I'll help you. Just try with me." Sirius supports one of Remus's legs with his hands. He holds Remus's calf muscles with one had and his foot with the other and flexes his ankle.

 Remus covers his mouth with his palm. He really doesn't want to cry out in pain. He would give into that soon enough. But this is turning out to be way too much. Sirius taking care of him after twelve years which still felt like yesterday and his actually physical pain- everything is killing him.

 Vaguly he registers Sirius saying something. ".... sorry...really sorry...It's okay to cry...or scream..or anything..."

 Sirius sees Remus's free hand weave itself in the fabric of the couch. He's in real pain. And he has caused this.

  _Bastard._ Walburga's voice says . _No one wants you. Who would want someone to cause them more pain?_

 Sirius knows it's all in his head. Walburga is long dead and gone. This is his mind playing tricks.

_Not now._ He tells himself. _Not now._

_Why don't you go in a corner and kill yourself? Save everyone the trouble of knowing you._ She says again.

_Fuck off you hag_. Sirius thinks. _Fuck off now. You can have me later._

 With that he feels the voice recede and sighs out of relief. Remus stops whimpering and grunting and doesn't seem to be in as much pain as he was. Sirius works on from one ankle to another and then the knees and eventually Remus relaxes.

When Sirius is satisfied with his work he says," Let's get you to bed."

 " Sirius you need to eat something." Remus says groggily.

 Sirius snorts in return but his heart swells at how Remus is worried about him even when he's in such bad shape," A lot good that did."

 " Come on.." He helps Remus up and feels how warm Remus's palms are. He can feel the heat through the fabric of his shirt." Holy shit." Sirius feels Remus's forehead. " You are burning up. Why the fuck didn't you tell me."

 " It's just the moon." Remus mumbles.

 " Can you walk?" Sirius asks as he holds Remus tight.

 " Yeah..the bed..will...be nice." Remus's head falls heavily on his shoulder. Sirius remembers Remus asking him to go to bed the previous night. He feels guilty for taking the couch.

With difficulty he carries Remus over to the bed and helps him lie down. Remus's shirt is sticking to his skin from sweat but it does nothing to bring down the fever. Sirius doesn't even realize he's unbuttoning Remus's shirt when Remus grips his wrists hard and says," Don't." The words are a sharp slap to his face but he recovers quickly.

 "Remus you're buring up and your shirt is soaking wet from sweat..." He protests feebly.

 " Just take me to the bath." Remus reached out his hands for Sirius to pull him up. 

" What..?" Sirius finds himself unable take his hand immediately. Remus could just allow him to tend to him.

" Just take me to the bath...run the shower..my temperature will go down." Remus pants as he attempts to get up.

Sirius sighs and helps him up and takes him to the shower. The cold water shoots needles in his skin but Remus breathes easy and that's more than enough for him. The cold reminds him of Azkaban and he can feel voices whispering in his head but he pushes them aside.

  _Now is not the time to drown. Remus needs me. I need him to need me_.

He feels the voices ebb away as Remus leans on him and his muscles relax. His face looses the lines of worry and Sirius can finally allow himself to look at Remus without the worry of being caught red handed. Remus is leaning on him sideways and Sirius can see the occasional strand of silver hair hidden in between his amber strands. His hair is thin too around his temples and Sirius feels a  pang of what he can only describe as sadness because they're only thirty five and while Remus is growing old at an alarming rate, he's still stuck at twenty one. He looks at Remus's hand, the one which is holding onto his and sees how pale the skin is-even the scars on his wrists look pale. Sirius wants to trace out the veins under Remus's skin but then drops his hand and feels awkward. Everything feels awkward to him now. He sighs and lets the cold water numb him. 

Remus is already alseep when Sirius feels his temperature go down. He gently nudges Remus awake and carries him to the room, rubs Remus's hair dry and keeps dry clothes on the bed. Remus looks sickly pale and Sirius can see that he's  swallowing uncomfortable too keep his nausea under control.

"Do you need me to do anything?" He asks even though he knows the answer.

Remus nods his head with another uncomfortable cough. And even though Sirius wants to stay, he leaves. Remus clearly isn't comfortable about him.

He slids down the door with his head in his hands after closing it behind him. Remus has spent the last twelve years like this. Sirius can't remember a time when it had been this bad before. He remembers well when Remus could easily be distracted from his aliments with the right amount of care and fun and sarcasm. But twelve years is a long time, Remus was alone and the wolf weakened him and nothing would change that. He wished his life is long enough to stop, or at least slow down this degenerations. He sighs. _Twelve years Remus did this all alone._

When he checks in on Remus after a while, he's sound sleep covered in bedsheets, both dry and wet clothes abandoned by the bed.

Sirius takes care of he wet clothes and goes about the house looking through things, though there isn't too many things to look at. He looks through the books Remus has. Some of them sounds vaguely familiar. He takes care of the dishes from the previous night and sits down with a book on non-verbal spells. He has no wand. This'll have to do for now. He realizes he remembers certain important things, some of the more complicated stuff needs practice. He isn't sure he has the necessary strength.At some point he feels hungry. The sensation feels alien. He can't remember the last time he had actually felt hunger pangs. He ate when he felt he needed strength. But he recalls previous nights's events and it sends his stomach rolling. This house in unfamiliar to him and he has to look for  while to figure where Remus keeps food. He nibbles on a piece of toast for an hour and manages to eat it completely.

Remus sleeps well into the afternoon. When he wakes, darkness has already begun descending.

Sirius hears Remus's footsteps as he pads over to the couch where he's still reading through the book on non-verbal spells.

" Sorry about that." Remus says as he sits down beside him.

Sirius nods because they both know that there's no need to apologise but Remus being Remus can really help it. " Feel better?"

 " Yeah." Remus smiles. He looks tired, which is expected but he isn't in a lot of pain. That helps ease Sirius's anxiety for now.

" So...non-verbal spells.." Remus says in an attempt to break the sudden silence.

 

Sirius can hear the slight exasperation in his voice and wonders where that might be coming from. " Yeah..I thought with the full moon tomorrow...If I could.." He stops when he sees Remus work up his jaws to say something.

" About that. Padfoot..."

_And just like that,_ Sirius thinks, _the anxiety is back_.

 " Don't do this..please." Sirius knows what Remus is going to say but he can't have Remus saying it. He wouldn't be able to argue. It would be pointless- like Remus hadn't allowed then to accompany him for three full moons even after they became animangi. When it comes to this, there's no winning over Remus.

" I don't think it's a good idea." Remus says atempting to hide is discomfort under a facade of logic and reason.

" This was always a good idea. A great idea." Sirius says closing the book with a thud. _You bloody ,old idiot. You just won't take my help._

" It's been too long..." Remus covers the head of his spine with his palm and looks down, staring at the floor.

" Exactly.." _Exactly why I need to be there for you._ Sirius huffs.

 " No Sirius..It's been too long since Mooney has had someone. And that is what it's used to now. I can handle it." Remus looksup with an air of finality but Sirius is not having any of it.

" I know it's been too long and it's my fucking fault but you don't have to do this alone anymore." Sirius says looking straight into Remus's eyes but he can't sense anything Remus is thinking. He has always been good at hiding and lying.

" I might hurt you." He says finally. Sternly.

" Bullshit." Sirius knows that it isn't on the top of _Why Remus doesn't want Sirius during transformation_ list.

" I might hurt you, Sirius." Remus doesn't bulge.

" So then you do." He gets up and paces the room back and forth.

" Mooney might hurt you..kill you..I can't have that.." Remus says again, he voice getting colder with every sentence.

_Why can' t Remus see how important their being tonight is?_ " Well then Mooney kills me. Not like I don't deserve it." Sirius says without thinking.

" Are you fucking kidding me?" Remus's voice rises as his eyes widen in anger.

Sirius is relieved to hear that harsh tone. He can deal with anger and frustration.

" No." He says simply daring Remus to say more. 

 " I'm not here to play God, Sirius." He pants. " Whatever your crimes,I won't be the one punishing you for them."

 Sirius stills at that. He'd not expected this.

  _His crimes._

" So you do blame me." He asks barely a whisper. _Of course he does. You left him, lied to him or at least hid the truth._ Truth _that had the capacity to set you both free._

" Of course I blame you. I blame you for doubting me. I loved Lily and James too and would have died to protect them. But you all chose to leave me behind. I love you Sirius. I love you for having a heart so big that you loved James and Lily and Harry the way you did. But you left me behind and for that I hate you. I forgive you for everything Sirius but I can't stop hating you, just like I can't stop loving you. I never stopped loving you." Remus finishes breathless.

Sirius has known this would happen all along. Every possible horrific scenario of the conversation that ensued had already been known to him. Azkaban had left no room for error. But hearing those words from Remus, in his voice, felt like a stab to his chest. The voices in his head were back, dumping poison in his veins. Everything twisted and mutilated around him and now he has nothing to occupy him. So he lets himself drown as he changes into Padfoot and runs.

 

* * *

 

Remus regrets his words the moment they are out of his mouth. He really wants to just stop talking but he's too tired. His mouth just keeps moving unmindful of it's dead mind. Everything he said was true. He knew that. He knew that Sirius knew that but the timing couldn't have been worse. He had seen how Sirius's breathing had stopped. He had looked confused for just an instant before resignation set in. He was lost inside his head again. Remus watched horrified as Sirius left the safety of the house. He was in no shape to hurry after him and when he got out to call Sirius back in, he had already been gone.

 

It takes Remus a while but eventually he casts a patronas.

"Find Padfoot please." Remus whispers as he pants for breath. This is way too much effort before the full moon. His blood runs cold as the silver wolf runs out of the house. What if Sirius changes back and dementors find him first? His stomach churns at the thought of rotting flesh and the Kiss.He sits down heavily.

What has he done?

 

* * *

 Emotions as a dog are simple. That's what kept Sirius alive in Azkaban. But sadness and hurt are emotions too and right now those are the only things he can feel.

Can dogs cry?

 

Sirius doesn't remember but he knows Padfoot can howl. And so he howls till his throat goes dry. _He's lost everything and , really everything other than Remus was lost. Or so he'd thought. Turns out he'd lost Remus first when he'd doubted him and hid the truth from him. What else had he expected?  Remus had loved them all and he'd loved Sirius with every fibre of his being and Sirius had destroyed it himself. He knows that. But he'd also hoped that they could get past it. Isn't that love? He'd done some wrong things but they were done for the right reasons, right? Doesn't that account for something? But everything sounds like an excuse and even though he can imagine what Remus has gone through it is Remus who has actually been through it. His opinion doesn't count, only Remus's does._

It is almost dark when Padfoot stops running and curls up under a small bush. It'll start raining soon. He can smell the salt and ozone in the air. He knows he'll soon have to go back. Remus is looking for him.  The things Remus said are true. He knows that but it hurt. It hurt him to realize over and over again the pain he has caused because of his own stupidity. His thoughts are interrupted when a shining silver wolf makes it's way through the dense overgrowth of trees towards him.

_Mooney._ Sirius sighs.

Padfoot pads over to the white wolf and stares at it. He has missed Mooney so much. He looks so freaking beautiful. Padfoot can feel the heat radiating off the patronas and starts running homebound where Remus is waiting for him.

He's soaking wet when he gets to the front porch and thunder makes him shrink inwardly. He scratches the door with his paws. It takes Remus only a moment to open the door. Once inside he shakes himself dry, splashing water all over the place and curls up by the fire.Eventually Remus comes over and sits down beside him, scratching him behind his ears. That's all the gesture Sirius needs to know that things will be okay between them. He gurls contently and licks Remus's palm earning a smile in return. He feels dorwsy and soon drifts off.

Remus has seldom felt the peace he feels right now with Padfoot's familiar form sleeping beside him in front of the fire. He had said horrible things and Sirius had ran away but he has come back too. He had remained as Padfoot so as to not attract unwanted attention. It shows self preservation. At least Remus hopes so. He'll apologize the moment Sirius wakes up. With the full moon tomorrow, his emotions are all over the place. He needs to control himself. What he says around Sirius matters more than he can possibly fathom. He doesn't want to trigger him in any way. So he sits there for a long time, running his fingers through Padfoot's fur and the snores of contentment feels better that he remembers.

As much as he would like to sit there all night, his joints are starting to ache again. He needs a warm bath. He warms the water, shaves and takes a quick bath. As he stands in front of the mirror with all his scars on display,he wonders how many of them would be non-existent had Padfoot been there for the last...one hundred and sevent moons..Sirius had said.

_170._

Has it really been that many. It seems too little and too many at the same time. How did he survive? He traces a scar running along his chest from left to right. He had recieved it the full moon after _that_ October. He shuts his eyes againt the grotesque images in his head. He wants nothing more than to be with Padfoot again. But Mooney had not been pleased after he had lost his pack. How would he react if Padfoot just appeared? What if he hurts Sirius? He won't be able to live with himself.  
 His thoughts are cut short as the door openes behind him and Sirius looks straight at his bare back. Their eyes meet for a split second before Sirius hastely closes the door behind him.

Suddenly Remus feels too exposed. He put his clothes on urgently. Sirius had so quickly closed the door behind him. It makes Remus feel horribly insecure about himself. The only thing he wants to do is kiss Sirius till they can't breath. But maybe Sirius isn't ready for that. Hell he doesn't know if he is. So he tries to push aside Sirius's lingering gaze. Is that longing he'd sensed or is it just his imagination? Can Sirius really look at him with the tenderness and longing of a twenty-one year old? Remus pushes aside all his urges because they just feel..so alien...and goes down to make dinner for the night.

 

* * *

Sirius wakes up to find that the storm has receeded leaving only the nightly creatures to create a cacophony in it's wake. The house is quite too. The fire has almost gone out. He changes back.

Where's Remus?

He silently pads from room to room, searching for him. Finally the bathroom is the only place he hasn't checked. He strains his ears to see if he can hear something. He really doesn't want to go inside and make Remus feel uncomfortable. Whatever there was between them clearly didn't matter anymore. Remus hadn't let him change his shirt that morning. But the house is deadly quiet and that sits heavy on Sirius's ears.He pushes the door open to see Remus standing in front of the mirror, back against him, clad in nothing but a towel. Their eyes meet for a split second before Sirius hastely closes the door behind him, heart beating out of his chest. With an unthinking mind and shaky legs he walks away and confines himself to the spare bedroom, bloting the door behind him.

When he can finally breath properly, he realizes he can't get the image out of his head. Remus had apparently been looking at himself in the mirror, the towel hanging loosely from his waists. His broad but lanky, slender shoulders were freckled and there were so few scars on his back- just the way he remembers him. Sirius is glad that something has remained the same. But as Remus's bare torso filters his mind all he wants to do is taste those freckles and his skin and _Remus_. He can't remember how that had felt but as he thinks about it, he feels a rush of blood to all the right places. He can't remember the last time he had an arousal. Survival had been so primary that everything had been burried inside. But now he can't ignore the pressing need for release. When he hears Remus working in the kitchen, he slips into the bathroom and opens the taps to cover up any noise that might escape him. The towel Remus had used is still hanging on the wall and Sirius can't help himself. He breathes it in. Remus's smell seems so ancient yet well known and exciting all the same. He trys thinking back to when they lived together. They had had good sex. _Great sex_. Sirius begins feeling uncomfortable in his pyjamas. He undresses slowly and when he looks at himself in the mirror, his pale face is flushed. He doesn't recognize the man he sees in the mirror to the one he feels he is and when he begins touching himself, it feels strange, like he's violating something basic and fundamental. Embaressment makes his heart palpitate but all he can think about is Remus. He tries to go slow buy soon his needs get the better of him. It doesn't take long from him to come and he bit down on his lips so hard, he draws blood. When he's finished, he slids down the wall, spent, hair sticking to his face and bare back. But when he opens his eyes, he's all alone. A wave of grief and gulit washes over him. Remus had not wanted him to see him without a shirt. Not only had he accidently seen Remus half naked, he has now masturabated thinking of him. It is both pleasure and transgression, gulity delight, and Sirius is left feeling unconfortable if not downright filthy.

Sirius sighs and cleans himself up. He has to take a proper bath. So close to a full moon, Remus can probably smell his hormones. He waits till his pulse goes down and he looks pale enough before going down for dinner.

* * *

Sirius quitely pads into the dining room and sees Remus fretting over a pot of soup.

" Need any help?" he asks trying to divert his mind from what he'd just done.

" No, it's almost done. It's the same as last night. There's nothing else at home." Remus sighs. Sirius needs to eat healthier foods.

" No. It's great." Sirius says as he takes out bowls and spoons fron the cupboard. " Don't know how much I can eat though."

" Eat a little." Remus requests, his eyes pleading. " Just a little."

" I had a toast today..earlier when you were asleep." Sirius says to ease Remus's discomfort at not being able to feed properly. _It's still my same old Mooney._ His stomach is left in knots as he thinks it Remus was at all _his._

" That's great." Remus beams. Sirius always had eating disorders. Azkaban has only made it worse, he guesses.

 " Umm..Remus?" Sirius whispers as he set down the bowls wondering how best to apologise for his earlier behaviour.  

 " Yes?" Remus looks up to meet Sirius's stormy grey eyes.

 " I'm sorry about...that..you know..." _About seeing you half naked in the bathroom and then fantasising about it._  

 " I do..It's okay." Remus's smile is a little tight but he seems oblivious to Sirius's transgression.

" I just..woke up and everything was so quiet...I just assumed the worse and panicked when I couldn't find you....I didn't mean to.." Sirius stammeres, his face heating up.

" It's okay. You don't have to explain. I'm sorry too..about earlier. I didn't mean to..." Remus struggles but is eyes are soft and apologetic and Sirius knows that Remus isn't proud of what he'd done.

" No..but it's true and I have to live with it. So it's okay. It's okay now." He smiles and Remus nods his head in understanding." Okay."

They eat their meal in comfortable silence with only the sound of the spoons on the bowl to keep them company.

" I might go out tomorrow morning to get supplies so don't be alarmed if I'm gone when you wake up." Remus says as he piles up the crockery that need cleaning.

" Okay. I can take care of that." Sirius says looking for the soap and scrub.

" No it's fine. I can do that tomorrow." Remus wants to stop Sirius.

" You need rest. This is the least I can do. Okay?" Sirius says. It's the full moon tomorrow and Remus needs as much rest as he can get.

Remus gives in. He's too tired to argue anyway." I'll be in my room if you need...anything." Remus says a little hesitant.

Sirius replies a non-commital 'hmm' to that. He needs _Remus._ Ever cell and nerve of Remus.

" There are extra blankets and pillows in the other room...if you need them. Will you be okay?" He asks finally.

" Yeah..yeah I'll be fine." Sirius says concentrating very hard on cleaning the dishes and keeping his though at bay. They're not twenty-one anymore for fuck's sake. That time is long gone for Remus and physically for him too. He just needs to convince his mind that he's not twenty-one. Remus's alarming grey hairs should do that just fine. As Remus makes no further approach and retreats quietly, Sirius lets out the breath he always seems to hold in like he's just waiting for the other shoe to fall. He dumps the scrub in the water and wants to break the ceramic plates and ground them to dust. This is all so unfair. He'd though him being imprisoned in Azkaban was unfair but Remus had been left all alone, the truth eluded him all these years and he'd hated or at least tried to hate Sirius for all these years. Sirius feels sick at the idea of Remus hating him and suddenly he sees Remus at James and Lily and Peter's funeral all alone in black robes, drenched in rain. Somehow he knows it rained. Nature had to cry at the death of souls as bright as James and Lily. Sirius rubs the tears off his eyes. This is all pointless. He finishes up with the dishes and wonders if he can creep into Remus's room just once. If he's awake, maybe, he'll just ask if they could sleep together. It seems childish, something they would do at twenty-one. _But we're not twenty-one._ He'll have to sleep alone tonight. He sighs. It seem only appropriate given all that has happened but Sirius has had no nightmares when Remus was with him. There's no telling what horrors await him in a cold empty bed. He decides not to sleep in the spare bedroom. He makes his bed on the couch by the fire place, hoping the warmth and light would ward away his demons. He stays awake for a long time trying to not sleep out of fear but he's tired and soon his body catches up with his mind and he falls asleep.

 

* * *

_" Why padfoot?" James's cold voice asks._

_" Harry is orphaned because of you." Lily whispers._

_" You told Snivellus about me." Remus,face covered in blood, says._

_Their cold dead eyes are looking at him yet they don't see him. Their bodies are transparent,the background grey and misty. Cold._

" _No" he whispers. " James I didn't know."_

_" You fault." James says again._

_" And Lily..Lily I'll always look after him. I promise." He says desperately and even in his dream knows he failed, will fail._

  _" Traitor." Lily wails. " Liar."_

_" Rem...I..."_

_" Traitor..traitor. I'm a dead man because of you."_

_And out of now where a sharp blade beheads Remus, his head falling off, blood oozing out of his neck as his lifeless body falls._

 

  
 "......noooooooo..." He screams as he bolts upright and the first thing he sees is blood on his hands. Blood everywhere. Remus's blood. His innards churn. He falls off the couch, gasping for breath, hunched on all four, gaging and retching his insides out. All he sees is blood everywhere. Remus's blood. ".....noooo...Reemus..." He screams even though he can barely breath.".....no please no...."

Strong hands hold him as he thrashes around wailing for Remus to come back. "....I'm so sorry Remus....so much of blood...Rem please.."

But he's held down by strong hands and gives up fighting. Nothing will make Remus come back. He gives up like the coward he is.

He's still held gently by someone, far too gently that he deserves. His hair is pulled back from his face and a soft hand runs cicles on his back. This should make him feel better. But Remus is dead and his blood is on his hands. Nothing will ever make him feel better again.

" There's so much of blood." Sirius says looking at his hands.

" There's no blood Sirius. You're hallucinating." The voice gently says. It sounds like Remus. But Remus can't be here. Remus is dead because of him." I'm not dead. I'm here Sirius. Alive. Right here. "

" No..." He says tears forming in his eyes again.

" No, Sirius look at me."

 Through teary eyes he sees Remus looking at him. His extends a shaky hand to touch him and Remus's strong hands recieve him.

 " See..alive and real." Remus says.

" But the blood..." Sirius asks in a haze. Shouldn't be glad that Remus is alive?

 " There's no blood. Look." Remus urges Sirius to look at his own hands.

 Once he's convinced, Remus pulls Sirius close. He goes willingly and rests his head on Remus's shoulders breathing heavily.

" shhh...It's okay. It was just a dream. Okay. Just a dream." Remus whisperes and then feels Sirius give in and rest heavily on him. He's asleep befor the minute is up.

Remus cleans up the mess Sirius has created with a flicker of his wand and then pulls Sirius closer to him, covers them both under a blanket and falls asleep promptly.

 

* * *

 When Sirius wakes, it takes him a while to realize he's in Remus's arms. He sees Remus sleeping peacefully, the lines of worry and frown gone. Up close he can see the scars on Remus's face and fights the urge to run his finger along them. He see the rise and fall of Remus's chest, his breath tickling his temple. He stays still for a long time, breathing him in. He knows that the inevitability of day will break them apart soon enough and so indulges in the forbidden pleasue of watching Remus in the most vulnerable of moments.

 " Morning." Remus mumbles as he rolls over, his back to Sirius.

 " Morning to you too." He sighs as he feels cold at the loss of contact and curses inwardly.He pulls himself up and sets about making breakfast. After last night, he owes Remus that. 

" You can sleep a little more. There's time." He says when he sees Remus attempting to pull himself up awake.

 " It's okay. I need to go to Diagon alley. Need to get supplies for tonight." Remus grunts as he stands, swaying a little at the effort.

 " You okay?" Sirius eyes him with little hooded worry but doesn't  make an attempt to help. He isn't quite sure if he's welcome. Last night was a mess.

 Remus pulls out a smile and goes to freshen himself up.

Later as the Sirius nibbles on a piece of toast,  Remus looks up at him, struggling to put thought into words.

Sirius knows what it's going to be about but really doesn't want to bring it up." Remus please there's...."

" No, Sirius there is..." Remus puts down his fork with a clank. " You were hallucinating."

Sirius doesn't say anything. This is not the first time it has happend and he knows it won't be the last. But today, on a full moon day, he really dosen't want to talk about it.

" Sirius..." Remus urges.

" Let's just get through today okay? We can worry about this later." Sirius suddenly gets irritated. If he's not allowed to take care of Remus when he clearly needs it, then Remus has no business trying to solve this problem. It can be dealt with later.

 " No. Listen to me." Remus's says in a dangerously low voice. " Having a nightmare is different but hallucinations..."

 " You could have been....put down..for...because of what I did...for telling Snape..." Sirius takes a shaky breath.

 " Yes, but it didn't..." But Remus is cut off.

 " I have never forgiven myself for it. I can't. It was one thing, knowing what I did before..but after..now..For twelve years all I have known is how bad things could have gone. And you still flinch when it's mentioned. I have never been farther away from the truth. Those dreams are my reality...." Sirius curses himself for saying too much.

 Remus takes Sirius's shaky hands in his. " You need help. And I can't give you this."

" I don't want help. I don't deserve it." Sirius whispers.

" We can talk to Pomfrey." Remus continues as if he hasn't heard Sirius because hearing means acknowledging and he can't acknowledge what Sirius has just said. " Dumbledore can help too. There are people who owe me from...the Order...You have to say you need help. There's nothing I can do if you don't accept that."

 " Aren't you running late. You were supposed to go to Diagon alley." Sirius pulls his hands away from Remus and dumps his plate in the sink with his breakfast still uneaten.

 " Sirius please.. "

" I don't want help." Sirius says again, looking out from the kitchen sink window.

" Damn you Sirius, not everything's about what you want." Remus flares up, his amber eyes suddenly golden.

 " Not everything's about what you want either." Sirius shoots back.

 " What's that supposed to mean?" Remus's knuckles whitene from his grip on his fork.

" You..." Sirius hesitated," you said you didn't want me tonight and I obliged.."

" You didn't oblige, you fucking ran away. Out. You went  _out_ and I was scared shitless.."

"Well whose fucking fault was that?"  Sirius says so calmly that even he surprises himself.

" No...No.." Remus pulls at his hair. " You don't get to make this about you. I'm the one who turns into a hideous monster and I get to chose if I want you to witness it after twelve fucking years."

" You said you hate me. That's why I ran away. No because I didn't want you to exercise you choice of companionship." Sirius sniffs as he leans agaist the sink. " You said you hate me."

Remus's face pales. " I also said I love you." He whispers but Sirius is already in the spare bedroom, bolting it from inside.

 

* * *

Remus sits, playing with his breakfast, stomach in knots. He knows he needs to eat the entire thing. He will need the energy for tonight.He forces himself to swallow the food before leaving for Diagon alley. He goes to Ollivander's first and hesitates at the door. He knows the wand Sirius used back in Hogwarts but it is rare and looking to buy such a wand without the actual owner is inviting trouble. But Sirius needs a wand. With the full moon tonight, Remus is sure, Sirius will do something stupid. It will help if he has a wand to protect himself.  
" Ah..Mr. Lupin..to what do I owe the pleasure?" Ollivander asks, peaking from behind a huge rack of wands.

" I'm looking for something specific." Remus says in a rush, "Blackthorn, Unicorn hair. The person is 5'11''."

Mr. Ollivander is intrigued. " That's a very dangerous wand, Mr. Lupin."

" Yes. I'm aware."

" Whom are you protecting!" Mr. Ollivander askes as he brings out a very dusty old box.

It didn't sound so much like a question than an exclamation and Remus shruggs as the wand maker opens the box to reveal a sleek, black wand with intricate designes on it. It looks almost like the one Sirius owned. He hopes this one too will work for Sirius.

" I'll take it." Remus says.

" Mr. Lupin," Mr. Ollivander hesitated before handing the box over. " This is a very powerful wand. You can be prosecuted for handing this over to a wrong person. And in the hands of a dark wizard, this is a very dangerous tool. The only reason I'm not asking too many questions or alerting...people about this is because I owe you. I haven't forgotten what you did for me back in '79 but should anyone come knocking at my door asking me questions...."

" I know and I can assure you that no one will know about this." Remus says sternly, pays the wand maker and makes his way towards the portion shops to get medicinal supplies.

  
The mixture of curious and repulsive glances make him feel uneasy. Some might think that a lifetime of repulsive glances might make it easy to bear with time but that's a lie. Remus curls away from those glances now the same way he did twenty years ago, the only difference, he has learned that these glances will always be thrown his way. They will never go away.Once he acquires the medicinal supplies, he slips out of Diagon alley and into muggle London. He gets groceries and supplies, enough to last a week, before heading back home.

Once home, the first thing he notices, rather smells, is the salty stench of blood and iron, assuaging his sense. In any other situation, he would've heaved his guts out but now his blood runs cold.

_Sirius._

Hastily he puts down the stuff he's carrying in his hand and lets his instincts take over and they carry him to the bathroom.

" Sirius.." He knocks on door.

 

 No reply.

 

 But Remus can hear him breath. That's a good sign.

 

 " Sirius, I'm coming in okay." Remus said and without hesitation pushes the door hard enough that the rusted lock gives in and allows him access.

 

Sirius is sitting, facing him, back against the bathtub, with a blade in his hand and a few cuts on his arms, far above his wrists. There's isn't too much blood. But what scares Remus most is how still Sirius is. He looks right through Remus as he stands at the door.

 

"Sirius...can I come in....sit beside you?" Remus whispers slowly.

 

"Yeah." Sirius breaths and shifts to allow Remus's long limbs some space.

 

"Are you okay?" This must be the most inappropriate thing Remus has asked all his life. But he's at a loss of words.

 

"Yeah..better." Sirius says as he twirls the shiney metal in his hands.

 

"Sirius...this..why..what are you doing?" Remus reaches out to hold Sirius's hand but he flinches and Remus drops his hands back on his lap.

 

"This is good. This takes my mind off things..shuts the voices in my head."

 

"There are voices in your head?" Remus looks at Sirius, waiting for a crack in this facade he has put up. Something. Anything he can do something about. But Sirius just sits there like a stone. Remus isn't even sure he's seen Sirius blink in all the while he's been here.

 

"Yes." Sirius says." James's, Lily's, Regulus's, my mother's. Your's." he says the last word in a whisper and looks at Remus, scared. "So many voices"

 

"What do they say?" Remus asks holding his gaze. The stormy eyes are so still, lifeless, almost and it kills Remus to see Sirius like this.

 

"How I failed them...."

 

"But you didn't." Remus says forcefully.

 

"Liar." Sirius whisperes.

 

"Whatever happend couldn't have been forseen." Remus says as he pulls at his hairs. "Please Sirius you can't keep blaming your self..."

 

"Everyone I love is dead save for you. Lily, James, his parents...all dead and Regulus. No one knows about Regulus. In Azkaban I heard rumours about some Black betraying Voldemort. They said he killed him. And that might be Regulus so he's dead too. You Remus. You are the only one alive and I could've trusted you back then but I didn't and now I've lost you too. And I can't....I can't be the only one to survive this time."

 

Remus's voice shook as he attempted to talk. "You have me. I'm all yours. Don't you see I love you. Even when I thought you were...I loved you through it all. And as for Regulus, we can try and search for him. He might still be alive. In hiding maybe."

 

Sirius shook his head. "It doesn't feel so."

 

"And what are we doing?" Sirius asks after a while. He looks at Remus with glassy eyes. "We say we forgive each other but do we really? These wounds are still raw even after a decade and run too deep for us to just forget and forgive each other."

 

"I know." Remus says wiping his eyes. " But we're here now. We can start over..if you want...because I love you."

 

"I love you too."Sirius finally whispers and entwines his fingers with Remus's and Remus lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

 

" Can I heal them now?" Remus asks, looking at the cuts on Sirius's arm

 

Sirius nods and Remus whispers spells to heal them. It's then that he notices the various jaggered scares all above his wrists. It looks like the skin has been broken over and over again with a blunt object. he tries not to stare for long but Sirius retreats his hand and pulls the sleeves of his shirt down hastily.

 

Remus cleares his throat to ask something but Sirius cuts him off. " Don't."

 

"I wasn't..." Remus says. He really wants to just say something.

 

"Oh..Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The dominant and irrational part of me wants you...Padfoot to be there with me..for me...but...I'm scared. Like really scared."

 

"Then just let me." Sirius's eyes soften and Remus looks at him. " You don't have to be scared. I know you won't hurt me. Mooney won't hurt Padfoot."

 

"You don't know that." Remus says defeated. "You don't know anything for certain."

 

"Yes. I do. And I also know that I'm a survivor." Sirius says, glad for the first time that he survived beyond twenty-one at all. "If you don't trust anything else. Trust that. Because I'm here stiiting with you in spite of everything."

 

Remus knows he has lost. "Promis me that if anything goes south, you'll leave. You won't think about anything else, you'll just leave." Remus takes Sirius's hands in his and begs, pleades like his life depends on it. In a way it does.

 

"I promise." Sirius says and knows that he'll never leave. Not in a thousand years. No matter what happens, he's never leaving again.

 

"You'r weak, malnourished. If you'r hurt and there's too much of blood loss. You'll die. By the time I wake up and am able to help you, you'll die Sirius. So please leave while there's still time." Remus pleads again. This is his last chance. He has already lost and this is his last, desperate attempt to warn Sirius.

 

Sirius smiles and nods his head in approval. Remus knows this silence. It tells him that he's walking down the wrong road but there's nothing he can do about it. He's just a puppet in the grand scheme of things. He hadn't been able to save Lily and James, keep Harry to himself or stop Sirius from being dragged to Azkaban. He knows he'll regert this moment when he changes back and Sirius's mutilated body is in front of him, finally convincing him, that he's the monster he pretended he could outrun his entire life. And he knows he's signing Sirius's death warrant when he says." The full moon will be up in one and a half hours. We should prepare."  
   
Remus gives Sirius the wand he has procured for him. Sirius's eyes light up at the sight of his magnificent wand. "This is beautiful."  
But then another thought hits him. "If you had money to buy this, why didn't you get Wolfsbane?" Sirius asks.

 

"Wolfsbane is far more costly Sirius and not everyone is authorized to brew it."

 

"Why isn't snape....?"

 

"It was a perk of teaching at Hogwarts. Snape did it to keep the students safe. Not me."

 

"So Dumbledore...."

 

"Sirius, let's not think about that now. We're runnig out of time." Remus sighs.

 

Sirius drops it as Remus shows him the cage in the basement. He looks around wondering how Remus survived Mooney's wrath. If the claw marks on the walls were anything to rely upon, then Mooney had been angry. _Very angry_. He traces the indentations on the walls determined not to let this  happen again. Not on his watch.

 

Remus sets up protective wards and Sirius helps with the spells he can remember.

 

"After I transform." Remus says.

 

Sirius wants to protest. He's supposed to be there for the entire thing. But Remus isn't having any of it.

 

So Sirius stays outside the closed door as the moon begins to rise. He hears soft whimpering at first which turn into muffled groans followed by screams. Sirius knows exactly when the screaming starts. Years ago Remus had told him that the shift in the backbone structure shreaded him into pieces from the pain. The screams pierce every cell in his body. For twelve years he had only thought about it but the screams that echoed off the walls reminded him what raw pain feels like. He changes into Padfoot long before he's allowed to go inside and the howling stops for a split second befor Mooney is throwing himself at the door behind which Padfoot is standing.

 

Padfoot barks from the other side.

 

Stop. I'm right here. Stop hurting Remus.

 

But Mooney continues to throw himself at the door, scratching and howling at it. It's almost an hour before Mooney calms a little and receeds to the far corner of the cage. Sirius takes that moment to slip into the cage, close the door behind him and change back into Padfoot. Mooney senses human presence and is read to make a kill for it but is stopped dead in it's track by Padfoot.

 

They stare at each other for a beat befor Mooney howls and sprints at Padfoot, throwing him against the walll. It takes Padfoot a while to get back on his feet but Mooney is uncontrollable. He pushes and throws Padfoot around the cage. After the fifth time, Padfoot is too tired to get up but Mooney is closing in on him again. He attempts to get up but whimpers at the pain coursing through him. Mooney circles him, baring his teeth at Padfoot's slightest movements but when Padfoot doesn't get up again, he slows and finally stands in front of Padfoot.

 

Padfoot looks at Mooney properly now that he's standing still in front of him. He has missed this so much. Mooney isn't tearing himself apart and Padfoot is glad he can help.

 

Mooney nudges Padfoot with his front paw, earing a whimper in reply. Padfoot can feel his body bruising as Mooney lets out a deep seated howl. It isn't anger. It's agony and it hits Padfoot like a truck.

 

Mooney nudgues and licks him, asking him to get up. Padfoot tries and is successful at the thrid attempt. He stands tall in front off Mooney, reciprocating canine affection. They walk on egg shells around each other for a while before settling into a rhythm they both agree upon. Finally Mooney sits and Padfoot follows. He starts licking Padfoot all over his face, nudges his throat and playfully bites lightly. Padfoot is so lost in the love Mooney is showering him with that when Mooney walks away, he suddenly feels lost at the contact and wants to run after Mooney to call him back. He needs him. He's distracted for a split second and looses concentration.

 

That is all it takes.

 

He doesn't even notice he has changed back but Mooney looks at him with murderous eyes.

 

Sirius changes back that instant but the damage has been done. Before he knows, Mooney is upon him, pinning him to the ground, baring his teeth, ready to bite his head off. The last thing Padfoot wants is to hurt Mooney but as his survival instincts kick in, he pushes Mooney off him. He falls back with a thud and starts biting and scratching himself. Padfoot wants to distract Mooney from himself but he feels stabs of pain shooting up his fore limb. He staggers and the world spins around him. He sees a pool of blood under him. Mooney pads over to him and he stands still like a deer caught in the headlight. He'll not hurt Remus. He'll not be the reason behind another scar Remus has to carry all his life. Not that he had any strength left to fight. Mooney looks at the blood pooling under him and licks it off the floor hungrily.Sirius would have gasped at horror unveiling under him if he could but Padfoot was repulsed. He has never seen this animalistic side to Mooney.

 

_Oh Remus!_

 

After his feast Mooney looks at the wound on Padfoot's arm and licks it. Padfoot knows that Mooney is only trying to clean the wound but Padfoot realizes he has to get out soon. He can feel unconciousness creep up behind his eyes, he is getting light-headed. There's no way he can retain his animagus form if he lost conciousness.

 

It breaks Sirius's heart to stagger to the door, absolutely unresponsive to Mooney canine pleas to stay. He waits for Mooney to get distracted which happens all too soon as a rat scurries away in the far corner, and slips out. He changes back and collapses on the floor, loosing consciousness instantly.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

As conciousnesss slowly fliters through Remus's cloudy mind, he breaths slowly and deeply, allowing his mind to regain control over his body. He wriggles his toes and moves his arms only slightly waiting for red jets of pain to shoot through his nerves. Surprizingly, the pain's subdued. Remus rolls over with little difficulty and looks around him.

 

Something's missing. _Someone_ is missing.

 

It takes him a moment to recollect that he had allowed himself the luxury of having Padfoot last night. And then raw fear grips him. If he's not hurt, someone else is. He frantically looks around the entire room over and over again.

 

Sirius. _Merlin Sirius!_

 

He hurries out and trips over something, landing on the floor with a thud.

 

Fuck.

 

Remus turns to find Sirius's limp body, streams of blood running on the floor.

 

_No. No.No!!!!_

 

Remus turns him over to find a huge gash extending from his left arm to chest. He still has a pulse but barely. His breath is slow and shallow.  
   
Remus runs for his wand and once he is beside SIrius again, screams every healing spell he has ever learnt till the wounds stop bleading. Once he has accomplished that, he gets the blood replenishing portions he had bought and forces them down Sirius's throat.

 

Fuck. Drink. Okay. Just drink.

 

Remus looks helplessly at the burises all over Sirius's torsue and back. He tries all the spells he knows to bring down the bruising and swelling but he's a dark creature and the wounds will not heal with magic.

 

He need to get help. _Now_.

 

He carries Sirius to his bedroom with little difficulty. His aderenaline rush makes up for his lost strength and then tries to think of the people he can ask for help. St.Mungo's is out of the question. He doesn't know where Dumbledore is. He can ask Madam Pomfrey. He knows where she lives, having visited more than once as a student. She's his best bet.

 

Hastily Remus puts on some clothes, puts up a protective charm on his front door and apparates at Madam Pomfrey's door steps. He is glad that he dosen't splinch himself and knocks at her door.

 

"Remus..." The healer's opens her gate, clad in a night gown. "What are you doing so early after a.....". She stops short at the state of Remus.

 

"Are you...?"

 

"Not me. Sirius. It's Sirius. Please. Come with me.'' Remus pleads.

 

"Come inside." She says and gets on collecting things in a bag. "How bad?" Madam Pomfrey asks.

 

"You'll need everything.''Remus says still panting.

 

"How bad, Remus?" she asks sternly.

 

"I stopped the blood on the worse of wounds. Gave him two doses of blood replenishers but he has bruises all over him and I don't know if there's internal bleeding."

 

"How long?" Madam Pomfery asks going through her supplies in a frenzy but looks up at Remus when she recieves no answer.

 

"How long ,Remus?"

 

"I've no idea." he pales as the healer looks at him horrified.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remus sits still as Madam Pomfrey uses spells after spells on Sirius. He's never heard of most of them. She takes hours, or so it seems, to access the extent of damage. Sirius's breath is shallow and he can hear the wheezing of air in and out of his lungs. He can scarcely blink, too scared that Sirius might stop breathing. Madam Pomfrey has to call him twice.

 

"Hold him up while I bandage him up." She says.

 

Remus is reluctant. He's only going to cause more damage.

 

"Now , Remus." She says sternly and Remus obliges.

 

"He's got a couple of broken ribs. Thers's a hairline fracture on his left arm. He has bruises but there seems to be no other internal haemorrhage. He might be out for a few hours more. Might be a few days. There's no way to tell. He'll revive when his body is ready. He's lost a lot of blood so he'll need blood replenishing portion and since he's so malnourished he'll need these too." She says handing him a list of Portions. "You should buy them as soon as possible."

 

It's almost evening and Madam Pomfrey looks more dishrivelled and tired than Remus has ever seen. He nods his head as the healer hands him the list.

 

"This isn't good,Remus. He'll wake up but in his physical condition the entire idea was incredibly stupid." Madam Pomfrey says. She sounds more sad than disappointed.

 

"I know." Remus says swallowing the bile that has been threatening to come out since morning. He can barely look at her. " Than you." he says.

 

"All these injuries...were they in his animagus form?" The healer hesitates.

 

Remus's eyes snap up at her. He hasn't thought about that at all. But why would Mooney attack Padfoot to cause this much of damage. Could that mean...? Could he have....?

 

The world around him spins out of control as his vision tunnels and the world closes in around him.

 

Fuck.

 

What has he done?

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next three days are blurry.Sirius remains unconcious and Remus stays just sober enough to change Sirius's bandages and administer the portions Madam Pomfrey had asked him to. Every time he changes the bandages, he looks at his claw marks on Sirius's chest and runs to the toilet for another bout of vomiting. He can't imagine that after a life-time of being cautious he might've ended up infecting the person he loves most. This has to be some sort of cosmic joke. What was the universe punishing him for? He drinks himsef away the entire day. Things hasn't been this bad since _that_ October. He can barely leave the room and stays hooled up beside Sirius hour after hour. He can smell the dry blood in the basement but can't bring himself to clean it up. He knows he ought to clean up the house but that means being sober and he can't afford to be sober just yet. He drinks some more and mostly passes out on the floor near the bed. On the third day he realized, the fowl stench that's been following him around is coming from him. He pulls himself to the bathroom and stands under the shower. The cold water revives him a little and he feels more aware of his surroundings and for the hundreth time the weight of the situation comes crashing down upon him.

 

He might have passed on his curse to Sirius.

 

He punches the wall.

Once.

Twice.

Eventually he looses count and stops only when he sees blood. But he feels nothing. He doesn't feel his heart beating or his lungs breathing. There's a hollow where his organs used to be. He's walking around a dead man. But somehow he feels his eyes heating up and realizes he's crying. Soon he's on the floor,echoes of his wailing bouncing off the walls. Hs can feel himself being crushed over and over again yet somehow he's alive. He seldom prays to a celestial power but now he begged and grovelled for it to just stop. He wants an end to his misery. This is all he can take. Anything more would literally kill him.

 

But there's no booming voice in the sky. The grey walls of his bathroom and the static hiss of the shower have no answers for him.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

The stench of alcohol and various portions feel like a burden on Sirius's nose as he tried to breathe properly. His head's pounding, he can hear blood roaring in his ears and feel his heart hammering in his chest. His eyelids are heavy and he can barely open them. There's hardly any light in the room but his headache worsens as he forces his eyes open and tries to turn his neck to see if Remus is in the room. He finds Remus sitting with his back agaist the side wall, an empty bottle of Fire whiskey beside him. He seems to be out.

 

"Remus..." Sirius whispers, sure that Remus will hear him. Drunk or sober, he know Remus will hear him.

 

And sure enough he does. "Sirius..."

 

"Hey..." Sirius's throat is dry and he breaks into a fit of cough.

 

In a instant, Remus is beside him with a glass of water, helping him up to drink it.

 

"Don't tell me you drank that entire bottle all by yourself." He attempts at humour but Remus looks like he'll break down any second. "Hey it's okay. I'm awake now. How long..."

 

"Almost four days.." Remus whispers.

 

"Oh." Sirius realises that four days might have scared Remus. " Are you okay?" He asks.

 

Remus is on his knees, supporting his elbows on the bed. He tries nodding his head to say yes.

 

"Remus..." Sirius whispers,"Were you hurt?"

 

Remus covers his eyes with his hands as he sobs into them out of relief. Sirius is awake. He rests his head on the bed where Sirius caresses his hair."Mooney...come on...talk to me."

 

"Nothing happened to me. I'm absolutely fine." Remus says, taking Sirius's hand in his. "But I hurt you pretty bad, Sirius."

 

"No Mooney....I left....and I'm so sorry about that. I didn't think I would have to leave..." Sirius blabbers.

 

"No,Sirius listen. I need to ask you something. Okay?" Remus braces himself for the worse.

 

"Okay. Anything." Sirius is confused as to where this is going.

 

"These wounds on your chest...did I..were you..did Padfoot get these...or you..?" Remus doesn't know how to put it into words but Sirius understands his question.

 

"No...No.." Sirius says urgently. "It was Padfoot not me. You didn't hurt me."

 

Remus can barely believe his ears. He hasn't condemned Sirius to his fate. "Okay." He manages to whisper as he feels a weight lift off his chest.

 

"Is that why you drank away an entire bottle of Fire-whiskey?" Sirius asks.

 

Remus looks sheepishly at Sirius. Now that he knows that Sirius won't trun into a werewolf, a asmile breaks out on his face.

 

"It's not just one bottle, is it?" Sirius asks looking at Remus, concerned.

 

 Remus doesn't answer.

 

"Remus....I'm so sorry." Sirius whispers sqeezing his hands slightly.

 

"No..no. I just couldn't live with myself thinking I have done to you what was done to me. Sirius, it's a horrible violation to a human body."

 

"You were attacked as a child. I know what I'm doing. Even if it were true. It wouldn't be your fault. I'd never blame you.' Sirius says earnestly. He means every word. Convincing Remus is the hard part.

 

"I still hurt you...there's a gash on your ch..chest." Remus says looking at the bandage and then at Sirius. He's beyong ashamed.

 

"Come here." Sirius says looking at the empty space beside him on the bed.

 

"No..no. You're very hurt." Remus knows he'll only cause more pain.

 

"Remus..."

 

"No. I need to know something else first." Remus wroks up his jaws to ask him the question burning in his throat.

 

"Okay. Go on."

 

" Why did Mooney hurt Padfoot?"

 

Sirius debates on what to tell him. If he tells Remus that he lost control, Remus will never allow him to go near Mooney ever again. He also doesn't want to tell Remus how intimate Padfoot and Mooney had been. He'll not hold anything Mooney did against Remus. Remus clearly isn't comfortable. But he really dosen't want to lie. Lies and mistrust had pulled them apart for twelve years. He can't lie about something like this.

 

Remus knows this silence all too well. "The truth please."

 

Sirius sighs. " What time is it?"

 

"It's four." Remus says, looking at the wall clock.

 

"I can see that." Sirius smirks. "Is it morning or evening. You've charmed every window dark"

 

"Sirius don't stall. What the fuck does it matter?" Remus grumbles as he gets up to open a window and sways.

 

"Whoa. Careful."

 

"It's four in the morning." Remus says as he reverses the spell and cool, crispy air floods the room.

 

"Thank Merlin. I was suffocating."

 

"Sirius come on." Remus says as he takes his place on the floor again.

 

"Really! You couldn't sit on the bed." Sirius says exasperated.

 

"Just tell me. Aren't you tired?" Remus glares at him.

 

"You just said I was out for four days....."

 

"Sirius." Remus's voice is stone cold this time.

 

"Okay. Okay. Fine." Sirius sighs. " I lost control. That's all that happened."

 

Remus looks at him horrified trying to figure out if Sirius is really saying what he thinks he's saying. _Lost control_. The voice amplifies and bounces off the walls of his head.

 

" So then...when I attacked you..." Remus couldn't complete the sentence.

 

"I changed back, Mooney. I'm not lying about that. It was only for a second." Even in the darkness of the room Sirius sees all the blood drain from Remus's face.

 

"A second...." Remus says something incoherent after that.

 

"No. Hey..Hey. This is not on you. It was my mistake. Mine and Mine alone. You weren't at fault."  Sirius says but Remus only stares at him, looking right through him.

 

Sirius attempts to get up but the stabbing pain in his chest makes him gasp. Remus looks at him, concerned, but finds he can't react. " You have two brokn ribs." He says instead. "Lie down."

 

"I'm not fucking lying down...unless you come up here and lie down...with me." Sirius says in between breaths.

 

Reluctantly Remus pulls himself off the ground and sits down on the bed. Sirius smiles and relaxes as Remus helps him lie down. Remus lies down beside him too, mainting an unreasonable amount of distance between them. But Sirius is satisfied that they are atleast in the same bed. He's glad that Remus doesn't ask him any more questions. He doesn't want to divulge any other detail of the transformation. Remus would kill himself over them.

 

 Soon Sirius hears Remus's soft snores and falls asleep as the golden streaks of cloud in the night sky announces the arrival of dawn.     

 

Fin.  

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. If you like it please leave kudos and do comment.  
> <3


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